Sissy: A Coming-Of-Gender Story

Sissy: A Coming-Of-Gender Story

Adult nonfiction
"I never really got to have a childhood. Or perhaps a better
way to put it is that, as a feminine boy, my childhood was never
really mine. My natural connection to my body, my comfort in my
identity, my sense of security and safety were all taken from me
before my earliest memories were formed. They were pried from my
hands, sometimes gently, occasionally violently: coaxed out of me
through a combination of punishing isolation, public humiliation, and,
when I managed to get things 'right,' acidic reward."
Jacob Tobia was born gender fluid in a binary world. In
addition to their more typically masculine interests, they loved
playing with dolls, dancing, arts and crafts, and wearing dresses and
make up. Their first gender identity word was sissy, an epitaph
bestowed by their older brother and his neighborhood friends. With
time the bullying became more and more cruel. At one point the boys
mangled Jacob's one and only Barbie. At eight Jacob often
contemplated suicide, not seeing anyway of surviving the pushed toward
stereotyped manhood.
In Sissy, his memoir, Jacob shares their journey from grammar
school to college graduation, from lonliness and gender agony to self
celebration. It's a messy, convoluted quest that does not follow the
linear path of a traditional coming out story. Coming out to their
parents was a series of conversations, not a once and for all talk.
Church was a source of both acceptance and rejection.
Even college was a mixed experience. Jacob vaccilated between
thinking of his experience as hell and possibly going to be all
right. Athletics ruled. The fraternity/sorority system seemed intent
on perpetuating an extreme two gender society, "the binary fortified
in stone.". But there was also affirmation for tentative steps they
took toward matching their outward presentation with their inner soul.
Sissy is a must read for all of us who are not firmly situated
at one end or another of an imaginary binary. It's also a damn good
choice for those who love us. Finally it's an eye opener for all
professionals who work with growing people from prek teachers through
guidance counselors to college professors and student affairs personnel.
On a personal note, I had a much easier childhood. People born into
girl bodies tend to be allowed a tomboy phase. The pressure to be
more feminine didn't start until I was supposed to become interested
in hair, make up, and dating the booger brained boys who ran around
snapping bras and acting like the missing link. When I learned about
trans I didn't relate. I'd loved pregnancy and still adored being a
mom. I didn't want to transform my body. The first time I did drag
was a revelation. People told me I did a great job acting like a
guy. I wasn't acting. I realized I walk, sit, and stand in an
assertive, typically masculine was rather than mincing or sitting
demurely. What I realized that rather than being all woman or
aspiring to be all man I was a complex blend of both. When I later
learned that there were names for people like me and there actually
were people like me I was beside myself with joy. Guess I'd better
pick up the pace on my own memoir!
A great big shout goes out to my fellow they/thems.
jules hathaway


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