Longing And Belonging

Longing And Belonging

Adult nonfiction
"What does buying mean to children and their parents? Why does
buying for children seem to generate so much anxiety and concern? If
consumer culture is the 'enemy' of good parenting, why do so many
parents invite the enemy into their homes?"
As the mother of three young children, Alison Pugh struggled
with the above questions. Lucky for us, she logged serious research
time. The result of her quest was Longing And Belonging: Parents,
Children, and Consumer Culture.
I think most of us who are parenting or have done so recently
have experienced 'anxiety and concern'. Why does my child covet that
video game, brand of sneakers, doll...with such intensity? Why are my
fellow parents caving, even when it would seem to go against their
values? Will it really hurt my child if I don't go along?
One of my most anxiety provoking parenting experiences started
when my younger daughter came home from Girl Scouts with a permission
slip. Her troop had won a mall sleep over opportunity. Stores would
be open exclusively for them with all kinds of perks. In an already
consumption obsessed society, why were they making shopping even more
glamerous and addictive? Girl Scouts? Weren't they supposed to be
all about camping and ethics and values?
I did not sign the slip. I knew at least two other moms who had
a healthy dislike of materialism. I counted on them joining me in
abstaining. When I was the only hold out, I approached them
individually and asked why they allowed their daughters to
participate. Both indicated a great deal of discomfort in their
resignation. Yeah, I hate this. But what can I do?
Then other parents approached me more aggressively. Obviously I
didn't love Katie. If I did, I wouldn't make her miss out. All her
friends would be talking about the experience and she'd be on the
outside. How could I?
I have described this experience in such detail because it
segues so neatly into Pugh's findings. Although ubiquitous
advertising manipulates children and very much leads to too much
buying, it isn't the whole story. Children covet key belongings and
experiences, not only due to the genius of Madison Avenue, but because
of what she calls economies of dignity.
"The dictionary defines dignity as 'the quality or state of
being worthy,' but we might reasonably ask, worthy of what? I suggest
that for children a vital answer is 'worthy of belonging.' I use
'dignity' to mean the most basic sense of children's particpation in
their social world, what the Nobel Prize-winning economist Amartya Sen
called an 'absolute capability...to take part in the life of the
community.' With dignity, children are visible to their peers, and
granted the aural space, the very right to speak in their own
community's conversation.'"
Of course the parents criticizing me couldn't have read the
book. Katie was in high school when it was published. But basically
they were accusing me of denying my daughter the right to be visible
to and heard by her peers.
Pugh spent years volunteering and observing chldren at a poor
school's after school care, an elite public school, and a private
school. She talked to their teachers and staff. She did extensive
interviews with parents from fifty-four families in their natural
environments. (At one point when she talks to a child and her mother
she and the daughter are painting their nails).
Pugh's narrative tells us how economies of dignity play out for
children in different economic groups, how children approach parents
to obtain the items they believe will lead to more securely belonging,
and how parents handle these requests. This includes the feelings and
thoughts behind their responses. Not surprisingly kids across the
spectrum coveted pretty much the same items, electronics holding a
very special status. Also not surprisingly, rich parents' mental
gymnastics were qualitatively different than those of poor parents for
whom even providing the necessities was a struggle. Surprisingly kids
across the spectrum experienced the same insecurities and
vulnerabilities.
One of the concepts in the book made me feel very angry because
Eugene and I brought our kids up on the "wrong side of the tracks" of
a relatively wealthy town. It was the concept of noblesse oblige. It
was exemplified by the mother who would routinely have her children
give some of their clothes and toys to the poor in a town in Central
America but kept them away from the local poor.
"...Like Dorothy, most of the affluent parents in this study
seemed to prefer that inequality serve as an abstract lesson in
charity and the responsibilities of the wealthy, rather than as a
concrete experience in empathy and what we owe each other as fellow
humans...."
This is a practice that perpetuates divisions rather than
ameleorating them. It also perpetuates the process of othering we see
across so many other spectrums (ie gender, race, religion) that allows
people to feel virtuous by helping those across the world while acting
crappy closer to home. I am sure the residents of my town who didn't
let their kids go to events as innocuous as a kindergarten birthday
party in my neighborhood wrote generous checks to organizations like
UNICEF and missions. I am by nature a very nonviolent person. But I
am going to share two instances when I had a sincere desire to deck
someone.
When my son was in I think first grade he visited a boy in his
class and came home with a haircut and new outfit. He seemed to like
them so I thanked the other mother. She and I went to see our sons
play rec sports. I was horrified to overhear her talking about how
she helped a poor little neglected child. Several parents looked my
way, not disguising a desire for drama. I did not act in a way that
would have confirmed every one of their class prejudices.
(Ironically, a couple of years later when my status was boosted by
being elected to school committee, I was a paradigm of parenting and
her chum).
When my older daughter was in third grade there was a well
attended school event. The mother of one of her friends loudly asked
her daughter why she wasn't doing as well (grade wise) as "that little
trailor park trash." My daughter whispered for me to not respond. I
couldn't help noticing that the other parents and even the teachers
said nothing to indicate that the mother had crossed a line. Maybe in
their minds she hadn't?
Anyway the book is really interesting and reader friendly. I'd
recommend it to parents, people who work with or plan to work with
children, and public policy creators.
At the end of the book Pugh speculates that adults may have
economies of dignity--required belongings and experiences that allow
one to be seen, heard, and accepted. Hell, yes! I used to belong to
a book club. Members all had kids in the same school. We updated
each other on our kids' news and chatted about school events, upcoming
holidays, weather, and the book. Then we had an influx of new
people. Suddenly to be heard and seen and belong you had to have
renovated your fancy house, gone to ritzy vaca destinations, belonged
to ski and country clubs, and acquired luxuries.
Wanna guess why I dropped out?
I just noticed that this review is lengthy compared to my usual
ones. Let's say it gave me lots of food for thought. Maybe it will
do the same for you.
On a personal note, Thursday I went to Lavender Graduation. It's a
lovely intimate graduation for LGBTQ students and allies that comes
before the official graduation. (Incidentally, I learned about the
grad program I will be starting in September at Lavender Graduation
2016). I had a number of people graduating but most especially
Russell who is one of my favorite people in the world. (I'm so lucky
he is staying around and not heading off somewhere far away like
Alaska). If you have a friend you can share any thoughts without
being afraid of judgement or work with in silence with the silence not
feeling awkward you have that kind of friend. I could tell Russell
was pleased that I was there. One of the most special ways we can be
real is mattering to the people who matter to us.
Then yesterday I went to the funeral of my husband's aunt, Arlene
Woodman. Her oldest daughter read a poem Arlene's husband had written
for her for a Valentines Day decades after the day she had caught his
eye by giving him a flower. That poem told people a lot more than the
preacher's whole sermon which seemed to be an infomercial about
getting right with Jesus to join her in heaven. During her time on
Earth, for better or worse and in sickness and health, Arlene Woodman
was adored by her beloved.
The take home message from the two events, which is one of the major
principals by which I live my life, is never pass up an opportunity to
tell or show the people you love how much they mean to you. Then you
won't be blindsided by regrets if they die or move to Alaska. I'm
sure my counselling center chums will agree with this.
A great big shout out goes out to all our UMaine students who are
graduating today and the grads of other fine institutions. You did
it! Congrats. Also to all the mothers who will be celebrating
Mothers Day tomorrow.
jules hathaway






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