One long ago evening my family was dining in a fancy French restaurant. I was returning from the ladies room when I saw a woman eating something strange. I asked her what it was. She told me escargot which is French for snails 🐌 and asked me if I wanted to try one. It was delicious. I thanked her before returning to my table. A little later a waiter came over with a big pastry box and said a lady told him to deliver it to the girl who asked her about snails. I told my family what had happened. I don't know if my parents were more horrified that I'd talked to strangers or pleased that I'd done so politely. And those were good pastries 🍰.
As far back as I can remember I've enjoyed talking with strangers even without a common language to facilitate it. When I was 10 and my mother, my sister, Harriet, and I spent part of the summer in Mexico I kept running off to play with the Mexican children, even becoming an honorary member of a Girl Scout troop. As I've grown older I've come to see this ability as one of my superpowers. So when I read about Dr. Gillian Sandstrom's Once Upon a Stranger: The Science Of How Small Talk Can Add Up To A Big Life I was intrigued.
Sandstrom is a definite introvert who had to put a lot of time and effort into feeling confident interacting with strangers. She's also a college psychology professor. Once Upon A Stranger is a beautiful blend of research and anecdote--accessible to those of us who don't have PhDs.
She starts off by acknowledging that many people (including her younger self) find talking to strangers really hard. She talks about all the legitimate reasons they have and about the little voice in many people's heads (She calls hers Sid.) that reminds us of our assumed deficiencies when we think of stepping out of the old comfort zone. There's the whole stranger danger--What if he's an axe 🪓 murderer?--idea.
I had one period when I was afraid of talking not only to strangers, but to people in general. The stroke had made the mechanics of speech shall we say challenging. I had to intentionally shape each syllable which made me speak much more slowly. And I still managed to mangle words. I'd think "Should I inflict this mess on people?"
So what did I do? I doubled down. I knew that if I didn't work it I'd never get better. I was aiming to get back to graduate school where class participation is a big part of grades. I talked to everyone who came in my room. When I was back on campus I had so many people to talk to. You know what I found out? They weren't hearing the ugliness I was. They enjoyed talking to me. It was a much better outcome than if I'd let the fear isolate me.
Sandstrom cites a plethora of rigorous scientific research that shows that many of the fears are unwarranted. People are usually more open to the conversations than we will be and enjoy them more than we think they will. She describes the many benefits of talking to strangers. And she shares a plethora of strategies for doing just that.
One of the benefits is when someone you don't know becomes a good friend. Yesterday morning I went out for breakfast with my good friend Abby. We had so much to talk about the time just flew. I met her because she's a waitress at Governors. Eugene and I saw her when we ate there. We'd chat and learn more about each other. One day I said that with all we had in common we should take our friendship to a new level by getting together outside her workplace. She agreed enthusiastically. We're both enjoying this friendship which never would have happened if I'd stuck to the traditional restaurant script (arrive, sit, order, eat, pay, and leave).
Once Upon A Stranger is a wonderful read for people who are afraid of talking to strangers. It's also an affirming, validating read for those of us who meet and mingle with people we don't know...
...yet. I consider it a valuable acquisition for libraries.
On a purrrsonal note, yesterday was quite a fun day. In addition to breakfast with Abby I had a lovely dinner with my friends Bailey and Cam. Tobago got in so much socializing she's fast asleep hours before her bedtime 🌙.
A great big shout out goes out to all the people who talked to me after the stroke and showed me that my speech wasn't as ugly as I thought it was.
Jules Hathaway
Sent from my Galaxy
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