Margo is one of my undergraduate friends. She's fully invested in her work in SWell. She plans events creatively and conscientiously and leads them mindful of the needs of participants. In conversation she pays total, empathic, and enthusiastic attention. She's exactly who you would want as an RA for a first year student dorm. When she texted me the exciting news that she'd earned an RA job for the coming school year I wanted to give her a gift to celebrate her achievement. I chose a journal (she loves journals) and pen to help save memories of her upcoming adventure.
Margo loved the gift. She said it meant so much to her.
I chose to begin my review of Jennifer Breheny Wallace's Mattering with this story because it exemplifies mattering. Her accomplishments matter to me and my support matters to her. Our lives are both richer for that.
Wallace beautifully and eloquently describes the concept. "On the surface, mattering may seem simple. But dig a little deeper, and it speaks to the most profound complexities of the human experience. Mattering is the story we tell ourselves about our place in the world, as in, Do people value and appreciate me-- or do I go unnoticed? Do I truly belong, or am I moving through the world alone? Does my life make a difference to others, or would it not matter if I weren't here?"
Wallace considers mattering to be a meta need, second in importance only to the most basic survival needs, because it encompasses concepts such as purpose, belonging, and connection. It motivates much of our behavior. It was evolutionarily hard wired into our species way back when you needed a tribe to survive threats like those apex predators, just like Ben Rein PhD explained in Why Brains Need Friends.
Just as Rein is deeply concerned that people are less able to make and sustain the meaningful social connections our brains need, Wallace worries that fewer people have a sense of mattering. In the six years she spent conducting research for Mattering, asking hundreds of people "Do you feel like you matter? frequently the answer was "no" or "not anymore". She feels this loss is behind the rise in loneliness, burnout, and depression that is endemic today.
"Mattering is like gravity: unseen but essential. It holds us in place. It steadies us. When it's missing, we begin to drift. We lose our footing and our sense of where we fit. The world feels colder, unwelcoming. The human brain wasn't built for this kind of world."
Like Rein, Wallace doesn't just lay down the bad news. She goes in depth into the five facets of what she calls the mattering core and ways to cultivate them. I highly recommend Mattering for the human race.
You may have noticed I alluded often to Why Brains Need Friends in my review of Mattering. In a case of inter library loan serendipity, although I requested them over a month apart they arrived at Orono Public Library the exact same day. Each gave me insights into the other in a way that was multipliplicative rather than just additive. They go together like peanut butter and chocolate. If you get the chance read them both.
And for Margo and the other wonderful college students going into residential life positions, these would be highly relevant additions to the summer reading list.
On a personal note, a strong sense of mattering in every sense of the word contributed strongly to my stroke recovery, to my having come as far as I have with optimism for further progress.
A great big shout out goes out to friends and family members who believe in me, are there for me, and would consider our corner of the world diminished without my presence.
Jules Hathaway
Sent from my Galaxy
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