Siblings Without Rivalry

Siblings Without Rivalry

Parenting
One book that I really wish I had discovered back when my kids
were young is Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish's Siblings Without
Rivalry: How to help your children live together so you can live too.
Looking at the larger picture of my family it's all good. Ranging in
age from high to grad school, my kids get along well, enjoy each
other's company, and can resolve difficulties without help. I guess
that's the goal. However, a lot of the earlier years there were days
it seemed like they'd fight over everything. That was one of the most
frustrating aspects of parenting.
Faber and Mazlish got the idea for the book when they were
working on a previous one: How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen
So Kids Will Talk. The chapter on sibling rivalry, only half done,
was over one hundred pages. They decided to settle for the bare
basics and give the subject its own book. They knew speaking
engagements for the former book would glean them material for the
latter. Boy did it ever! It keeps evolving. The latest edition
(2012) contains a huge afterward of new material.
The authors don't claim Siblings Without Rivalry to be a
panacea. There are endless variations on the theme. What they do is
give new ways of looking at this problem that has been around since
Cain decided his parents favored Abel and did something about it and
techniques for behaving in ways that promote cooperation rather than
competition:
*avoiding making comparisons ("Why can't you keep your room clean like
Cheryl?) and roles ("Rick is the smart one; Mike is the athletic one");
*giving each child what he or she needs rather than always striving to
give each the same amount;
*avoiding the trap of treating one child as bully and the other as
victim;
*facilitating the use of words rather than more physical alternatives
when one child is the the grip of red hot anger...
The ultimate goal (as in just about every aspect of parenting) is to
work ourselves out of a job--help our kids to negotiate their
conflicts without our intervention. It is very rewarding. But it
takes a lot of work. The authors know that. They aren't just
experts. They are parents who know what it's like to walk into a room
and find one child about to throw a metal truck and the other wielding
a baseball bat.
So here's the bottom line. If your children are not getting
along as well as you think they have the potential to, if your days
are filled with phrases like "I'm TELLING!", "Can't you throw the baby
out?", and "MOOOOOOOM", Siblings Without Rivalry would be well worth
checking out.
On a very personal note, it's fitting I was reading this book January
1. I had a heck of an epiphany. My sister has serious brain damage.
After her illness I was given a new role, the one who never gives a
bit of trouble and the one who would be taking care of Harriet when
our parents passed. It was not easy to live up to, especially where I
had been a creative, affectionate child who still was very much a
child. When I was about to start college my mom had a stroke. The
doctor said if she kept up everything she was doing the next one would
be fatal. So I stayed home to be her teaching and office assistant
and help with the house and Harriet. The last year I was home I had
my mother's aunt also who was medically fragile and unable to remember
who I was.
I came to feel I existed only in relationship to everyone else,
conditionally.
Harriet and I are grown up. Our parents have passed. She lives in
another state and wants to move to Maine. I feel the ambivolance of
knowing I should help her and being terrified by the prospect. What I
realized today is I'm afraid of being put back in the role of being
defined as her caretaker. After I spent decades raising my kids I'm
learning who I am. I'm job hunting, being on school board, library
volunteering, acting, writing. I have a growing circle of friends. I
have a mentor who values the whimsical, sweet, creative aspects of my
personality as much as my achievements. I am also just a little over
a year into recovery from anorexia and relatively fragile. I can't
take on the complex responsibility of adult disability care. And I
don't want to give up the unconditional love of the people who matter
or the joyous sense of belonging they give me.
What I realized is we can both win. As soon as I just get the job
thing settled I can start looking into ways Harriet can live in Maine
in some kind of assisted living situation with professional help so I
can be there for her without drowning.
Whew!
A great big shout out goes out to all parents who are struggling with
sibling rivalry.
Julia Emily Hathaway



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