The Myth Of Closure

The Myth Of Closure

Adult nonfiction
Poor Tobago cat was napping peacefully in her cat bed. She was
some startled when I yelled, "Yes, my God, yes!!!"
I had just read these words in Pauline Boss' The Myth Of Closure:
"My point is this: Continuing to use the term "closure"
perpetuates the myth that losses and grief have a prescribed time for
ending--or never starting--and that it's emotionally healthier to
close the door on suffering than to face it and learn to live with it."
When Joey, the precious medically fragile tuxedo cat who had
been my beloved companion for sixteen years died I heard every
platitude in the book from loving friends eager for me to stop
grieving and achieve closure. Even though I was probably clinically
depressed I did not want a closure that would strip not only the
sadness but the joy of our journey together. I felt that the
bittersweet blend that let me keep him in my heart with my memories--
his dandelion fluff fur, his strong purrr, the warmth with which he
welcomed me home, the times he curled up on my lap or draped himself
across my neck when I read, his silly antics--intact and also
sometimes grieve was preferable to an sedated forgetting.
"Death ends a life, not a relationship."
Boss validates me. She reminds us that the rush to closure is
not a universal response to loss or forced change. It's a Western way
of dealing with loss. In many cultures there is an ongoing connection
with the dead even ancestors who left quite awhile ago. In America,
with our drive to get back in control of our emotions and lives, we
aren't comfortable with prolonged sadness in ourselves or others.
"The task is to let go of the person we lost but keep them
present in our heart and mind as we gradually rebuild our lives in new
ways. But this takes time and thus requires patience on the part of
those around us..."
If the rush to closure was not an optimal reaction to loss
before the pandemic, it's become even more problematic since.
Basically a pathogenic microorganism has been taking millions of
lives while bringing life as usual to a screeching halt.
"During the time of the pandemic, life became a constancy of loss and
uncertainty. So many deaths, so many obscure losses, harder to
notice, but still causing grief and uncertainty. As family members
and close friends were physically cut off from one another, each
became an ambiguous loss to the other. Not only did we lose their
company, but we also lost our sense of security."
Even if there is a definitive end to the pandemic Boss cautions
against a wholesale rush to closure. Instead she offers six
guidelines toward increasing the kind of resilience that can allow us
to live with (rather than slamming the door on) ambiguity and loss.
There is no order of taking these measures and no time limit.
Who should read this book? Anyone who is living through the
pandemic with its continued losses and uncertainties.
On a purrrsonal note, when Joey was diagnosed with cancer his vet told
me how I could use an apetite building medicine to give him a sizeable
chunk of good time. But we also talked about the difference between
keeping him alive for him and keeping him alive for me. Our last
summer together was incredibly beautiful. But one morning I knew we
were in danger of crossing the line. Stroking his soft fur I talked
about all the good times we'd shared, told him he'd always live on in
my heart, and gave him permission to leave when staying became too
hard. He passed two days later with me there to say goodbye.
But he is still very much with me. I see him in the pictures I have,
the home we shared, the kindness in my children who grew up loving a
medically frail cat, and in the person I evolved into during the
miracle of our years together. Without him I would not be me. And I
truly believe that that transcendent part of him, what we tend to call
soul, lives on. I believe that we will meet up again in some kind of
heaven or in some other forms if reincarnation is a thing. I believe
that a love as great as the one we shared can not be killed.
A great big shout goes out to precious Joey whose unconditional love
and loyalty I treasured and continued to treasure.
Jules Hathaway


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